Inspiration

Inspiration.
It starts with a word, just one word, a fleeting thought maybe, and grows into so much more.
Accompanied by a feeling, that big things are about to happen, that starts slowly somewhere in ur chest, spraks its way down your spine to your toes, and grows and grows till it envelopes your body. Excitement builds like crescendo sound till youre ready to burst.
Its like a storm within you, raging and taking over anything it touches, taking control and precedence over every thought, trying to control every action.
Winds swirling, thoughts churling, images flashing...
and suddenly, theres a bolt of lightening and a calm of understanding washes over you, a clarity rarely found.
It ends with a word, just one word, which now means so much more.

Exhaustion and the desire to write results in nothing of any significance...

Its been a while.
Not that anybody noticed.

Everything happens for a good reason. Everything happens for the better. That's what he said to me.
I chose to disagree. Life is not determined by someone/something sitting up on a pedestal choosing your path, deciding what is going to happen to you... There isn't an almighty watching your every move, deciding what obstacles get thrown your way, which one gets resolved and which one does not.
[Note: Im not disputing the fact that an Almighty exists. I am merely questioning your significance, is it really enough to warrant his/her/its attention.]
We're all just meandering along in a bunch of coincidences, calling it life, trying to make it worthwhile, trying to be significant.
Destiny is not in question here though. your coincidences will lead you to where you are meant to be. If you land up somewhere else, that's where you are meant to be. After all, its not like you know in advance where you are meant to be. Ergo, if you do not know where you are meant to be, how do you know if you got there?

To appropriately conclude: We are not controlled, our decisions take us where we should be. The world and time is a web of coincidence. And where you are right now.. its where your meant to be. Don't like it? Change it.

You know you can.

Train Journey: A Reflection.

A Stream of Consciousness: You have been warned.

Music. It calls to my mortal soul. I sit, as the world around me sleeps, listening to the sounds of music that mean different things to different people in different parts of the world at different times.
The dead of the night as towns, nameless, pass by my window in a whirl of lights and cement structures. The lights comes and goes like a flickering bulb, a firefly in the dark. I can see a washed out moon trough the haze and pollution that makes the sky. Its hard not to reflect on the supernatural, to contemplate the existence of vampires, werewolves, possession and spirits. Harder yet to keep the emotions at bay. The emotions, the feelings suppressed during the day. The love that’s been kept aside for a spell. The longing that’s hidden from the world. The emptiness left when a someone special no longer resides in that void. The joy, of making new friends accompanied by the awkwardness of new beginnings.
Speaking of which, I met with two colonels today, don’t know their names. Never will see them again. Yet, we shared a whole train ride, majority of which was spent in attempting to ignore the snores of the asleep. We shared these moments and when this train arrives at New Delhi Railway station, we will part ways, never to meet again. Yet, united forever in that shared experience, a common factor. Two men. From the same world, which such differing attitudes. Can there really be such a situation.
Paradise. An untouched world. An unspoilt memory. A place where all our dreams come true.
My Romeo, who is currently in possession of my paradise, is so far away. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, rivalled by ‘out of sight, out of mind.’ Which one to believe? The pain of being so far away. ‘Close your eyes, escape this town for a little while.’ What town? This state of mind. ‘You were everything to me and I was begging you please don’t go’. How to stop those who must leave? How to move on? I don’t want to move on. I want to stay suspended in that reality forever. And just where do I come off, calling this state of mind a reality?
Realism, I must write 2000 words on realism. How do you decide? What’s real and what’s not? What’s real to me, that blue light over the door, the rhythmic swaying of this train, the loud snoring of my neighbour that I can not drown out with the music… can you, dear reader, grasp this? Feel its reality like I am at this moment. Can I once again revisit this reality when I read this again? Can I recreate the soreness in my knee from sitting cross legged? Feel the irritation at the snoring? Recall the physical effort it is taking me to suppress the longing, the tears that are sure to come if I for one minute stop and think of him so far away.
I was asked today, ‘How do you know when to stop brushing your teeth? When it hurts? Or after you have spit twice, thrice?” Its relative to each person, just like reality. All though making brushing your teeth a metaphor for reality may be a little too far fetched, even for my emotion-ridden brain.
‘Thunder only happens when it’s raining’. Stevie Nicks got it right. She claims “when the rain washes you clean you’ll know.” I love rain. Although ironically, I have to bathe after prancing about in the rain. What world is this where the rain can wash you clean? And why am I not a part of it? The pollution and the deceit of the world is brought down by the rain, you bathe in the stale dust of a thousand wrongs and very few rights.
A sliver of light is filtering through the curtains, I can see the dust, its beautiful. I spy my emotion, chocking it. Until it is nothing more than just yellow light. The voice in my head is asking me what on earth I am doing randomly writing what is filtering through my subconscious into my conscious. She, I like to believe that it is a she, wants to know what I hope to achieve through this and all I have to tell her is that I don’t know.
When you’re young, which I still am, you are not at liberty to really know anything. You’re too young, you haven’t experienced the world. And chances are you won’t be allowed to. You’re way too young to. So where does that leave you? You’re too in experienced to know and too young to experience. Where does that leave you?
I know I have done nothing but pose a bunch of questions and barely talk off a train journey, I know is infuriating. In this game, I take no prisoners, only casualties. I’m not old enough to know the answers, or to know anything really.
Love, so far away, separated from me by oceans. I love you and that’s all I really know. Magnified by this reflecting, solidified by this writing, brought to light by this train journey. I am swayed and I move, conform, to the jerks, the swinging. I cope, my muscles working together, to the best of my ability.

At the crossroads.

The "Plan" was always to do brilliantly well in my boards, shock everyone I know with my sheer genius and ability to multi task, get into St. Stephens and then...
...
That's right.
I have no "and then..."
Nothing to complete the sentence with.
Its weird, I never thought I would say this, but being exactly where you want to be, isn't all that great.
I am EXACTLY where I planned to be today.
Today, I do not know what to do with myself, I have no goals, no ambition.

I leave the house, take a walk, meet my friends and come home.
I sit on my chair... and I wait...
I wait...
I wait for inspiration to strike, for an objective to materialize.
I scan the horizon for purpose and reason.
I wait.
I wait at the crossroads.

'Things that make you go hmm...' : and I say Hmmm..

"My head can be pretty messed up!
u know how i go from thought to thought in a matter of a few seconds..?"
-Abeer Saha

True to his word, the brilliant boy did not finish his thought.
Though he did leave quite a turbulent storm in my mind.
Jumping from thought to thought, i thought about how messed up his mind really might be. Then I thought how messed up my head might be and in the long run how messed up every ones head is.

What am I doing?

I am multi tasking.
Its what the "youth" is brilliant at.
I'm talking to said brilliant boy, discussing passwords.
"take these broken wings and learnt to fly again"
Random song playing on the radio.

What am I doing?

Didn't it start with messed up heads? Thoughts. they flicker and fade in and out of oblivion.
A completed thought.
what a treat.

What AM I doing here?
More importantly, Why am I still here?

I ask and ask.
I am answered by a volley of shouts in my messed up head.
I am surrounded by an answering silence.

Anonymous No More.

I love to write. I don't know if it's any good but I love it.
I write Anonymously though. Never needed the credit. Never thought I was good enough.
Who the hell defines "good enough".
I write.
That is "good enough"

Anonymous no more.

Name: Rhea.
It means the art of reaching perfection. But then there is nothing perfect about me.

Im real. Im flawed. Im alive.

Age:17
Im just graduation school. The plan? college. English at Stephens, DU.
Like I said, I love to write. I love to read. I love literature.

Sex: Female.
Though I assumed that bit was obvious.

Country/Nationality: India/Indian
Born and brought up. Indian from the heart to the outside. No, I don't walk around in a sari or tout my religion. Im proud of my country, my heritage and my roots. I am Indian.

Objective: Read and to be Read.
"let me light up the sky, Light it up for you."

Summary: Rhea, 17 year old female from India. Loves reading and writing. Real, Flawed and Alive.

Anonymous no more.

Alone/Someone

I'm alone.
all alone in this world.
Alone to deal with my pain.
Alone to deal with my situation.
all alone.

Everyone thinks those words once maybe twice in a week, month or year. if they are lucky, in a lifetime. So how alone are you?
On one level, its just you against the world. you are facing it alone. No one will feel it like you do. No one is in the situation as you are in, the position you are.
On another level, look around. if you cant find a single person waiting to catch you. Problem. But the probability of that is pretty low. In that case you are driving people away and need some serious help.
No?
don't think your driving them away?
Cant see anyone?
Are you sure?
Look harder.
yeah.
Right there.
There's someone.
and another.
Oh LORD! Do I really see a third? It seems I do.
Most of the time, your not looking hard enough. Someone is ALWAYS there.Someone might not get how to deal with the situation. Someone might not know what to say or do. But that someone is still there, by your side or a little way behind.. Someone might just be waiting for you to need again. To confront the issue and say "Yeah, i can't deal with this, I need support." Someone is praying that you turn around and see that they will be there, all you have to do is pick up the phone and call, pick up a pen and write, switch on a computer and type. Anything. Sometimes, just talking about it helps. Sometimes just knowing that someones there is enough. Sometimes nothing is. That's when you sit down and count the stars that shine on you. Even if it is only one. Even if the only good thing is that there is a someone. When you see that Someone you will find that it is Someone who loves you and always will. Someone who may not know how to be there but will try if you just let them, show them, tell them how. Someone who's waiting for you to reach out. Someone ready to catch you.
You'll find that someone is me.

Authors Note: Its 2:00 AM at night. My thoughts are jumbled my feeling escalated and confused. This piece is raw and unedited. Its not my best. My point and purpose is simple, convey a message to someone. To that person, I say this, You know who you are. I miss you.