Sometimes, I get a good feeling.

Hello world,

I guess this is the format I will follow for a while. I like the idea of someone listening to me. Not that I lack people who listen, I might just have too many of those if there is even such a thing. Once in a while though, even though there are a 100 people I could call I dont, I still feel alone. Sad ain't it?

That was not the point of this particular post.

I just had a relatively amazing day and I want to share it with you, world.

I went to meet my friends at Khan Market after class today and due to some pretty unexpected circumstances, I found myself alone. I consulted with a friend and after a little deliberation took myself up to the rooftop of Market Cafe.

The weather was beautiful. It was the kinda day where you feel like its early morning all day. I was listening to some old music I hadn't heard in a while. I ordered a lemon iced tea with mint, pulled out my ipad and started to read Oscar Wilde who may be one of my favourite authors. It was essentially perfect.

My server was a very sweet, slightly camp fellow. I don't think he had ever seen a girl alone before and he kept coming to check up on me. He told me about the student discount as well and we got talking. He said I looked about 16. My ego swelled up. Its taken quite a bashing in the last few days, I think I might have hit an all time low yesterday. Let me tell you, a random gay fellow telling you that you look 5 years younger than you are, if taken as a compliment, is one of the nicest feelings in the world.

Winter was in the air.
The tunes were right.
My ceasar salad was crisp, cold, perfect.
I felt something I hadn't in so long.
It was an indescribable feeling that one can only really get in their own company.

I looked out at the world, the breeze making my hair dance, a good book in my lap, good music surrounding me, enveloping me and for those few moments, all was well with the world.

Its a moment that doesn't come too often.
Its a feeling worth all the shit life may throw at you.

Today, I feel good world.

Thanks for listening.
Ill be back soon!

Goodnight.

Some Nights

Hello World,
Its been a while.
I feel the need to share. To write. Whats going to come off it will, as usual be a surprise to both of us.

I graduated. Did you hear? It was awful. I don't like change. I loved my life on campus. I loved being a part of something bigger than myself. Well that's done. I miss the life, I do. However, Im older, Im different. I wont be able to live that life again. It was wonderful while it lasted. I will always miss it, look back at it with fondness, and for now, try to retain what I can of it. But, its over. It took me a while to say, but its over.

I turned 21 too. No escaping life now. I have a job, yes, a job. I woke at an online art magazine part time. It can be found at www.thewallartmag.com. Infact, I was published this month. Worst piece of crap Ive ever written. just. WOW. Such shit. But hey, I plan to write here more often and Im hoping the practice will bring me back to where I was.

My baby passed away, my buzz. He was my dog. I grew up with him. I loved him. I feel the void he left behind every single time I walk in to the house. Id always yell out his name earlier, now I do it in my mind. I'd walk in yelling "BUZZ" or ask my maids, "buzzy kahan hai?" Now I just walk in with a sinking heart. Its a shit feeling. I want to write a post dedicated solely to him. I dont think Im ready yet. I feel like that would be it. I would have accepted it. I haven't yet. I still expect to hear the clattering of his much too long nails as he walked about the house. It's a terrible thing to lose something so dear, something you grew up with, nursed, taught, scolded, something that loved  you no matter what, something that was always around, in the background, doing its own thing till you needed it. I lost that two months ago. Im not ready.

I started my masters too, in psychology. Its amazing. I genuinely really enjoy it. I find myself at sea quite often, but I feel like this is where Im supposed to be, or atleast, at any rate, supposed to be doing. Ive found my place. Its nice to want to come home and read something academic. Or just read really, I kinda lost that along the way somewhere in my 3 years of DU.

DU is still messing with me. It started with me not getting my results, then my professor refusing me internals and therefore finding myself with an ER. I hope that shall be sorted soon.

So this is where I stand right now, I have a job, I have a master degree I'm pursuing. What does that leave? My identity.

For the first time in a long time, I know who I am and where I stand with most people. I know who I want to be and how much further I have to go to be there. I spent so much time as a teenager wondering who I was, where I was going. I finally decided, there's no point. Life will take you where it wants, exercise the little control you have, beyond that, there's nothing you can do. Everything changes and things rarely go as planned. Just be prepared to be thrown out of your comfort zone, expect the unexpected and take it as it comes. Sometimes you'll find that you cant cope up. Take a deep breath, remember it could be worse and remember that you HAVE to cope up. Then, break down, cry, throw things and give up for a day. You'll find tomorrow's a lot easier if not better.

All this being said, any sane human being would see that I am exhausted. But it is a wonderful kind of productive exhaustion that I have missed. I'm not going to lie, some days juggling all this and attempting to have some semblance of a social life or trying to keep up with relationships does get the best of me and  travelling 4 hours a day in a car or metro doesn't help in anyway and is a downright waste of time. Somedays I dont think I can do it anymore and I just want to crawl under a rock and sleep my life away. Other days I just want to give up and just let everything go.However, I still am happier all around than I think I could've been in any other situation.

Sure, there are some things I'd like to fix, may be a second shot. There are alot of things I'd redo a bit differently. For sure there are things Id like to change to be able to do and be everything I want to do and be. I'm still messy and disorganized, I'd still rather be sleeping and Im still always late.
All in all though, I'd like to say, Im content, even happy some days.

All in all though, Im getting there, Im fine.

Thank you for listening world.
I'll be back soon.

Goodnight.