Sometimes, I get a good feeling.

Hello world,

I guess this is the format I will follow for a while. I like the idea of someone listening to me. Not that I lack people who listen, I might just have too many of those if there is even such a thing. Once in a while though, even though there are a 100 people I could call I dont, I still feel alone. Sad ain't it?

That was not the point of this particular post.

I just had a relatively amazing day and I want to share it with you, world.

I went to meet my friends at Khan Market after class today and due to some pretty unexpected circumstances, I found myself alone. I consulted with a friend and after a little deliberation took myself up to the rooftop of Market Cafe.

The weather was beautiful. It was the kinda day where you feel like its early morning all day. I was listening to some old music I hadn't heard in a while. I ordered a lemon iced tea with mint, pulled out my ipad and started to read Oscar Wilde who may be one of my favourite authors. It was essentially perfect.

My server was a very sweet, slightly camp fellow. I don't think he had ever seen a girl alone before and he kept coming to check up on me. He told me about the student discount as well and we got talking. He said I looked about 16. My ego swelled up. Its taken quite a bashing in the last few days, I think I might have hit an all time low yesterday. Let me tell you, a random gay fellow telling you that you look 5 years younger than you are, if taken as a compliment, is one of the nicest feelings in the world.

Winter was in the air.
The tunes were right.
My ceasar salad was crisp, cold, perfect.
I felt something I hadn't in so long.
It was an indescribable feeling that one can only really get in their own company.

I looked out at the world, the breeze making my hair dance, a good book in my lap, good music surrounding me, enveloping me and for those few moments, all was well with the world.

Its a moment that doesn't come too often.
Its a feeling worth all the shit life may throw at you.

Today, I feel good world.

Thanks for listening.
Ill be back soon!

Goodnight.

Some Nights

Hello World,
Its been a while.
I feel the need to share. To write. Whats going to come off it will, as usual be a surprise to both of us.

I graduated. Did you hear? It was awful. I don't like change. I loved my life on campus. I loved being a part of something bigger than myself. Well that's done. I miss the life, I do. However, Im older, Im different. I wont be able to live that life again. It was wonderful while it lasted. I will always miss it, look back at it with fondness, and for now, try to retain what I can of it. But, its over. It took me a while to say, but its over.

I turned 21 too. No escaping life now. I have a job, yes, a job. I woke at an online art magazine part time. It can be found at www.thewallartmag.com. Infact, I was published this month. Worst piece of crap Ive ever written. just. WOW. Such shit. But hey, I plan to write here more often and Im hoping the practice will bring me back to where I was.

My baby passed away, my buzz. He was my dog. I grew up with him. I loved him. I feel the void he left behind every single time I walk in to the house. Id always yell out his name earlier, now I do it in my mind. I'd walk in yelling "BUZZ" or ask my maids, "buzzy kahan hai?" Now I just walk in with a sinking heart. Its a shit feeling. I want to write a post dedicated solely to him. I dont think Im ready yet. I feel like that would be it. I would have accepted it. I haven't yet. I still expect to hear the clattering of his much too long nails as he walked about the house. It's a terrible thing to lose something so dear, something you grew up with, nursed, taught, scolded, something that loved  you no matter what, something that was always around, in the background, doing its own thing till you needed it. I lost that two months ago. Im not ready.

I started my masters too, in psychology. Its amazing. I genuinely really enjoy it. I find myself at sea quite often, but I feel like this is where Im supposed to be, or atleast, at any rate, supposed to be doing. Ive found my place. Its nice to want to come home and read something academic. Or just read really, I kinda lost that along the way somewhere in my 3 years of DU.

DU is still messing with me. It started with me not getting my results, then my professor refusing me internals and therefore finding myself with an ER. I hope that shall be sorted soon.

So this is where I stand right now, I have a job, I have a master degree I'm pursuing. What does that leave? My identity.

For the first time in a long time, I know who I am and where I stand with most people. I know who I want to be and how much further I have to go to be there. I spent so much time as a teenager wondering who I was, where I was going. I finally decided, there's no point. Life will take you where it wants, exercise the little control you have, beyond that, there's nothing you can do. Everything changes and things rarely go as planned. Just be prepared to be thrown out of your comfort zone, expect the unexpected and take it as it comes. Sometimes you'll find that you cant cope up. Take a deep breath, remember it could be worse and remember that you HAVE to cope up. Then, break down, cry, throw things and give up for a day. You'll find tomorrow's a lot easier if not better.

All this being said, any sane human being would see that I am exhausted. But it is a wonderful kind of productive exhaustion that I have missed. I'm not going to lie, some days juggling all this and attempting to have some semblance of a social life or trying to keep up with relationships does get the best of me and  travelling 4 hours a day in a car or metro doesn't help in anyway and is a downright waste of time. Somedays I dont think I can do it anymore and I just want to crawl under a rock and sleep my life away. Other days I just want to give up and just let everything go.However, I still am happier all around than I think I could've been in any other situation.

Sure, there are some things I'd like to fix, may be a second shot. There are alot of things I'd redo a bit differently. For sure there are things Id like to change to be able to do and be everything I want to do and be. I'm still messy and disorganized, I'd still rather be sleeping and Im still always late.
All in all though, I'd like to say, Im content, even happy some days.

All in all though, Im getting there, Im fine.

Thank you for listening world.
I'll be back soon.

Goodnight.

All Growd Up

When do you really grow up?
When are you no longer a child?
When did I cross over that liminal space of "Not a girl, not yet a Woman"
Was it when I turned 16? 18? When I got my licence? When I started College?
Or was it when I moved on campus and had to, for all intents and purposes, live on my own?
I believe it was the day I found myself advising my Parents on this wonderful, albeit painful, journey we call Life.

This came up today in conversation with the ever inspiring Ambika Singh, aka, Potato.
We bonded over how we had to Bring up our parents.
It went beautifully with the "High School Never Ends" discussion.

Ive noticed this over the past two years maybe. I mean, aside from the questions I get asked about "The Facebook" and other baffling phenomenon on the ever confusing computer or cell phone, and the questions about current slang and chat speak*, I am also questioned about serious things. Let me paint you a picture: One half of the parental unit gets stumped on how to deal with a social situation and approaches me, the offspring. I listen, call upon my 20 years of experience and wisdom, and deliver a heart wrenching, inspiring monologue sprinkled with good advice. The concerned half of the parental unit looks at me in shock and proceeds to take this advice, which then in turn renders me absolutely baffled. There is always, this exchange of surprised looks. From the parent it generally says, "When did you grow up? Only yesterday I was trying  to get you to quit sucking your thumb." My response, "Where in the hell did THAT come from? This is too fast for me, I want a bouncy castle and cotton candy!"

Somewhere between 16 and now, I grew up.
Somewhere between asking for advice and ignoring it, I started advising.
Somewhere between asking questions and demanding answers, I found myself answering.

Now, I'm the type of person who runs from growing up, my mother will testify to this. I hate the idea of not being a child, or being responsible. I want to be silly and ridiculous and have people look out for me. I want to jump about in a bouncy castle and ride that stupid choo-choo train I don't fit into anymore.
Needless to say, I was not happy with this discovery. Add graduation to that and you have a very distraught me.

The other day I found myself advising my parents on parenting.
I don't advocate this. It is a bad idea. They've managed fine till now without you telling them how to deal with you. Don't start now.
However, this situation did warrant a friendly word or 500 on the subject.
By the end of the conversation, I found myself exhausted, emotionally and surprisingly, physically. The only physical movement I had made whilst discussing said topic was holding the phone to my ear and swapping ears. I might have possibly switched seating positions once or twice but nothing more. Yet, I was exhausted. And from what I hear, once you take this job, there really is no quitting, no going back. Its a life time appointment, what the modernists call a "no exit" situation.
I'm going to take this moment to say Kudos to the Parental Unit. Trying to sort out just one situation almost got the best of me. You have brought up both me and my brother reasonably well with minimal to no damage. You have dealt with such situations on a daily basis and made it through and are still sane. You are my inspiration. Some day, I hope to have brought up relatively damage-less children.

However, until then, I shall practise on you.

Bringing up the parents.

I hear trial and error is the only way to go about it.

*Once I was asked what ":)" was. On another similar note, old people, LOL does NOT mean Lots of Love when we say it. It means LAUGHING OUT LOUD. Though chances are, the person who said it isn't. Laughing out Loud that is.

Useless Self Indulgence.

Clearly, structure and adhering to deadlines is not my strong point. I guess it doesn't help that I set them for myself. No punishment if I don't comply.

Useless.
That's what Id describe myself as.

If you are expecting purpose from this post I'm going to stop you right there. Do not. If you still do, I appeal to you to quit reading this now and move on to the next post. This is me being self indulgent.

I wanted to write something, anything. Just because I could. Just because they've always told me I could. Yet, as I sit here, yearning to share, to explore, to relate... I cant. There a block, a wall if you will. I do not know how to get around it. I do not know how to find that inspiration that used to strike so easily. I never had to go looking for it. It was always there, triggered by a word in conversation, lyrics to a song, a friends smile.
I now find myself struggling.

The only reason, I believe, this is happening is because life itself no longer has a purpose for me. In school, when my ability to write was at its zenith, there was purpose, something to look forward. I was happy, I was growing up.

What changed? I'm still growing! I'm still happy sometimes, even if it is rarer than it used to be.
I am aware of a void, a lack of purpose.
Why should that exist?
I found a goal, a purpose.
I have a plan. An academic plan, a career plan.

Yet, this void exists. A dissatisfaction.
The logical conclusion would be that I have reached that point where I begin to ask questions like "Who am I?" and "Why am I here?", all following some existential strain. I haven't begun to question, nor do I desire to.
I know many who would direct me to spiritual texts and different faiths.
Yet, in the moment I may be intrigued, but 20 minutes later, I don't want to know.
I know who I am. I don't know why I am here but I don't think it really matters, not right now. I don't care if my life is ruled by destiny or a series of coincidences that were my choice, free will. To conclude, I don't believe this is an existential crisis.

Yet, it shows all symptoms of one.

Look, a post, a piece of writing! I guess I did manage to succeed halfway. I say halfway because I am in no way satisfied with it. All I have done is attempted to explain a void, one I don't understand, one I want to fill and lament the lack of inspiration.

Like I said initially, Useless.

What's this? TWO posts in one day?!

So Ive decided to post atleast once a week.
I don't know about what.
If you have been reading whatever I've already posted, or you know me and found this by mistake, you'd know that I am CONVINCED I've lost my ability to write.
I have mother!
So this is my attempt to find those lost words and "turn of phrase"'s that used to flow out of me like a.. a..
See what I mean?

Anyway, Im hoping putting this up here for the 3 people who read this will motivate me to post. I feel like some kind of regime might be good for me.

Also, Ambika made me do the MMPI. Questionnaires like that always make me question myself and my character. The last few questions pertained to laziness and self motivation. I had to do SOMETHING productive.

This is productive.
So there.
I showed you, didn't I you stupid MMPI.
And as long as I've got you, why on earth would you want to know if I enjoy fixing door latches? Also, could you get more obvious with the questions about suicide? Depressed people don't know they are depressed! and they don't like to admit it if they do!

Ill attempt to be back with something worth reading in a few days.

Hopefully.

Even I can't get myself to believe this.

That Night

It started with a feeling, just an inkling. You felt it and you reached out for me. I saw it in your eyes and I knew it was here. Then it hit me, I felt it.
I held you close protecting you, rocking you to sleep, hiding you from it. I felt it searching for a way to you, a path, a hole, a gap in my protection. It wanted to get to you. It had to go through me.
All my defences, all my energy was directed at you. You were invisible to it, I was all too vulnerable.
For the first time, it infiltrated me.
I covered you, who was now gently snoring, at peace because you knew I was there. I, satisfied that you were safe, now turned and walked away to battle that which was within me. A battle I had put off for 14 years.
It was time.
So it began. I surrounded myself with my weapons, all the positivity I had in the world, my friends, my strengths. I faced it.
It rushed, I stopped.
It twisted, I undid.
I can do this.
It screamed, I was silent.
It attacked, I defended.
I need to do this.
It pushed, I pulled.
It stretched, I compressed.
I was stronger than this. I will always be stronger than this.
It won, I lost.
It lost, I won.
Conviction.
It faded away, it gave up.
I was a rock. A mountain.
You were still asleep, unaware that I was fighting my battle and yours. Unaware that you were the only reason I was strong.
I changed that night. I no longer fear.
I will protect. I will fight.
For you, I will.

Note: Take it as you will.