I've been avoiding writing about this for too long.
Primarily because it means too much to me. It becomes real. Forever.
When I articulate my feelings, there's no hiding from them.
Today I dreamt about you. I've been dreaming about you often, but today hit me hard.
I was 9 years old when you came to us. You were so small you fit in my hand. I remember looking down at you all curled up in my arms thinking I would never love anything more fiercely than I loved you at that moment. I was right. Wisdom of a 9 year old, you really know love at that age right? The fierce, innocent love of a child.
We grew up together. You were so much fun. I loved the way my hair really perplexed you and you'd attack with the ferocity of a very small mouse. Im sorry I drove you crazy with all that scratching on the bed, but it was really funny watching you attempt to dig a whole in the mattress.
You were so brave. Not the intelligent kind of brave. The dumbass kind. I remember chasing after you so many times when you slipped out the gate to go chase cows. You realise that you were only 6 inches off the ground right? Its a miracle you never got stepped on.
I remember teaching you your name was Buzz by being overly cuddly with my stuffed bear calling it Buzz. You were such a jealous type. Couldn't even handle mom hugging me or Ro.
As the years went by and I got busier and had less time to spend with you, you got older and grumpier preferring to stare out of the window on your own or lounge on mom. She was, afterall, your portable sofa cum bed. I still maintained she ruined you. You were so good as a pup and as an adult, then, as you hit old age, she started feeding you off the table and you started begging. How many times did I tell you that was undignified and very unbecoming of your age. You didn't listen, but then again, you never did.
Atleast you learnt to not eat everything as you got older. Not that you were ever messy or immature about it. Though I think that lizard you ate and then almost immediately regurgitated in one piece would beg to differ. But hey, you learnt from your mistakes, that's more than I can say about most people I know.
You were everything to be Buzz, you were my friend when I had none, you were what made me feel loved when I hated myself. You were never too demanding and always waited patiently for me to find a few moments to spend with you. I wish I'd spent more time with you towards the end of it but the truth is I couldn't bear to see you that way. My strong, independant and moronic baby, barely moving. It broke my heart every day.
I was glad when it was over. I hated seeing you like that.
That last day, your last day. I walked into the house from college, already a mess. I knew it was over, our time together was over. I looked at you look at me and I watched as the last light left your eyes, that last flicker of recognition. I know you only held on long enough after that for mom and dad to get home. Im sorry she couldn't be there, but its better she didn't see you like that. It would've hurt her too much.
I still think about how you felt in my arms as they injected the pain away. Im sorry I made you suffer that long, I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough to let go. I don't know if you felt it but I held on tight Buzzy, really tight. I held on till you were no longer breathing and for a while after that too. I don't know if you heard me but I kept telling you I loved you, that it was okay you had to go, that you were everything, I thanked you for all the times you'd been there for me when no one else could. I dont know if you felt it but I kissed you again and again till my face was covered with your fur.
Buzz, a little bit of me died with you that day.
I was sitting on the roof with Vikram and Rohin and Vikram said something to me that made that day a little easier. He said, "You know Rhea, Buzz had the perfect life. You got him as a puppy when you were still a kid. You had all the time in the world to spend with him and play with him. When he reached a point where he couldnt play anymore, you had grown up and had other things to do so he was able to contemplate life as all old men should. And now he's gone, but you, your life is just beginning. The way I see it, he left at a perfect time."
Maybe you did. But no time would ever be right to lose someone or something you love.
I was 9 years old when you came to us. I was 21 when you left.
Its been 8 months since you've been gone and not a day goes by without a thought of you but today more than ever I miss the way you'd curl up next to me when I felt like shit and give me the 'don't you dare move me you pain in the ass' look if I tried to readjust. I miss the sound of your feet pitter pattering all over the house at really odd hours and I miss the way your breath smelt like a thousand corpses. I miss saying "Buzzy, kaun aya" and watching you flip shit. I miss taking you on walks and carrying you around, much to your distaste. I miss giving you bones to chew, watching you keep at it for half an hour, going to bury it and forgetting about it. The backyard still has them and I promise you, no one will take them away. I miss how you'd sit at the bottom of the stairs and bark till someone carried you up and the scratching sounds you made at the door when you wanted to be let in only to promptly walk out. I miss how you'd sleep curled up on my bean bag as I pretended study. You kept my secret, you kept all my secrets.
Buzz, you owned this house and every living thing in it.
I love you as much as I did that first day, with the fierce, innocent love of a 9 year old.
Primarily because it means too much to me. It becomes real. Forever.
When I articulate my feelings, there's no hiding from them.
Today I dreamt about you. I've been dreaming about you often, but today hit me hard.
I was 9 years old when you came to us. You were so small you fit in my hand. I remember looking down at you all curled up in my arms thinking I would never love anything more fiercely than I loved you at that moment. I was right. Wisdom of a 9 year old, you really know love at that age right? The fierce, innocent love of a child.
We grew up together. You were so much fun. I loved the way my hair really perplexed you and you'd attack with the ferocity of a very small mouse. Im sorry I drove you crazy with all that scratching on the bed, but it was really funny watching you attempt to dig a whole in the mattress.
You were so brave. Not the intelligent kind of brave. The dumbass kind. I remember chasing after you so many times when you slipped out the gate to go chase cows. You realise that you were only 6 inches off the ground right? Its a miracle you never got stepped on.
I remember teaching you your name was Buzz by being overly cuddly with my stuffed bear calling it Buzz. You were such a jealous type. Couldn't even handle mom hugging me or Ro.
As the years went by and I got busier and had less time to spend with you, you got older and grumpier preferring to stare out of the window on your own or lounge on mom. She was, afterall, your portable sofa cum bed. I still maintained she ruined you. You were so good as a pup and as an adult, then, as you hit old age, she started feeding you off the table and you started begging. How many times did I tell you that was undignified and very unbecoming of your age. You didn't listen, but then again, you never did.
Atleast you learnt to not eat everything as you got older. Not that you were ever messy or immature about it. Though I think that lizard you ate and then almost immediately regurgitated in one piece would beg to differ. But hey, you learnt from your mistakes, that's more than I can say about most people I know.
You were everything to be Buzz, you were my friend when I had none, you were what made me feel loved when I hated myself. You were never too demanding and always waited patiently for me to find a few moments to spend with you. I wish I'd spent more time with you towards the end of it but the truth is I couldn't bear to see you that way. My strong, independant and moronic baby, barely moving. It broke my heart every day.
I was glad when it was over. I hated seeing you like that.
That last day, your last day. I walked into the house from college, already a mess. I knew it was over, our time together was over. I looked at you look at me and I watched as the last light left your eyes, that last flicker of recognition. I know you only held on long enough after that for mom and dad to get home. Im sorry she couldn't be there, but its better she didn't see you like that. It would've hurt her too much.
I still think about how you felt in my arms as they injected the pain away. Im sorry I made you suffer that long, I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough to let go. I don't know if you felt it but I held on tight Buzzy, really tight. I held on till you were no longer breathing and for a while after that too. I don't know if you heard me but I kept telling you I loved you, that it was okay you had to go, that you were everything, I thanked you for all the times you'd been there for me when no one else could. I dont know if you felt it but I kissed you again and again till my face was covered with your fur.
Buzz, a little bit of me died with you that day.
I was sitting on the roof with Vikram and Rohin and Vikram said something to me that made that day a little easier. He said, "You know Rhea, Buzz had the perfect life. You got him as a puppy when you were still a kid. You had all the time in the world to spend with him and play with him. When he reached a point where he couldnt play anymore, you had grown up and had other things to do so he was able to contemplate life as all old men should. And now he's gone, but you, your life is just beginning. The way I see it, he left at a perfect time."
Maybe you did. But no time would ever be right to lose someone or something you love.
I was 9 years old when you came to us. I was 21 when you left.
Its been 8 months since you've been gone and not a day goes by without a thought of you but today more than ever I miss the way you'd curl up next to me when I felt like shit and give me the 'don't you dare move me you pain in the ass' look if I tried to readjust. I miss the sound of your feet pitter pattering all over the house at really odd hours and I miss the way your breath smelt like a thousand corpses. I miss saying "Buzzy, kaun aya" and watching you flip shit. I miss taking you on walks and carrying you around, much to your distaste. I miss giving you bones to chew, watching you keep at it for half an hour, going to bury it and forgetting about it. The backyard still has them and I promise you, no one will take them away. I miss how you'd sit at the bottom of the stairs and bark till someone carried you up and the scratching sounds you made at the door when you wanted to be let in only to promptly walk out. I miss how you'd sleep curled up on my bean bag as I pretended study. You kept my secret, you kept all my secrets.
Buzz, you owned this house and every living thing in it.
I love you as much as I did that first day, with the fierce, innocent love of a 9 year old.
