Hello World,
Its been a while.
I feel the need to share. To write. Whats going to come off it will, as usual be a surprise to both of us.
I graduated. Did you hear? It was awful. I don't like change. I loved my life on campus. I loved being a part of something bigger than myself. Well that's done. I miss the life, I do. However, Im older, Im different. I wont be able to live that life again. It was wonderful while it lasted. I will always miss it, look back at it with fondness, and for now, try to retain what I can of it. But, its over. It took me a while to say, but its over.
I turned 21 too. No escaping life now. I have a job, yes, a job. I woke at an online art magazine part time. It can be found at www.thewallartmag.com. Infact, I was published this month. Worst piece of crap Ive ever written. just. WOW. Such shit. But hey, I plan to write here more often and Im hoping the practice will bring me back to where I was.
My baby passed away, my buzz. He was my dog. I grew up with him. I loved him. I feel the void he left behind every single time I walk in to the house. Id always yell out his name earlier, now I do it in my mind. I'd walk in yelling "BUZZ" or ask my maids, "buzzy kahan hai?" Now I just walk in with a sinking heart. Its a shit feeling. I want to write a post dedicated solely to him. I dont think Im ready yet. I feel like that would be it. I would have accepted it. I haven't yet. I still expect to hear the clattering of his much too long nails as he walked about the house. It's a terrible thing to lose something so dear, something you grew up with, nursed, taught, scolded, something that loved you no matter what, something that was always around, in the background, doing its own thing till you needed it. I lost that two months ago. Im not ready.
I started my masters too, in psychology. Its amazing. I genuinely really enjoy it. I find myself at sea quite often, but I feel like this is where Im supposed to be, or atleast, at any rate, supposed to be doing. Ive found my place. Its nice to want to come home and read something academic. Or just read really, I kinda lost that along the way somewhere in my 3 years of DU.
DU is still messing with me. It started with me not getting my results, then my professor refusing me internals and therefore finding myself with an ER. I hope that shall be sorted soon.
So this is where I stand right now, I have a job, I have a master degree I'm pursuing. What does that leave? My identity.
For the first time in a long time, I know who I am and where I stand with most people. I know who I want to be and how much further I have to go to be there. I spent so much time as a teenager wondering who I was, where I was going. I finally decided, there's no point. Life will take you where it wants, exercise the little control you have, beyond that, there's nothing you can do. Everything changes and things rarely go as planned. Just be prepared to be thrown out of your comfort zone, expect the unexpected and take it as it comes. Sometimes you'll find that you cant cope up. Take a deep breath, remember it could be worse and remember that you HAVE to cope up. Then, break down, cry, throw things and give up for a day. You'll find tomorrow's a lot easier if not better.
All this being said, any sane human being would see that I am exhausted. But it is a wonderful kind of productive exhaustion that I have missed. I'm not going to lie, some days juggling all this and attempting to have some semblance of a social life or trying to keep up with relationships does get the best of me and travelling 4 hours a day in a car or metro doesn't help in anyway and is a downright waste of time. Somedays I dont think I can do it anymore and I just want to crawl under a rock and sleep my life away. Other days I just want to give up and just let everything go.However, I still am happier all around than I think I could've been in any other situation.
Sure, there are some things I'd like to fix, may be a second shot. There are alot of things I'd redo a bit differently. For sure there are things Id like to change to be able to do and be everything I want to do and be. I'm still messy and disorganized, I'd still rather be sleeping and Im still always late.
All in all though, I'd like to say, Im content, even happy some days.
All in all though, Im getting there, Im fine.
Thank you for listening world.
I'll be back soon.
Goodnight.
Its been a while.
I feel the need to share. To write. Whats going to come off it will, as usual be a surprise to both of us.
I graduated. Did you hear? It was awful. I don't like change. I loved my life on campus. I loved being a part of something bigger than myself. Well that's done. I miss the life, I do. However, Im older, Im different. I wont be able to live that life again. It was wonderful while it lasted. I will always miss it, look back at it with fondness, and for now, try to retain what I can of it. But, its over. It took me a while to say, but its over.
I turned 21 too. No escaping life now. I have a job, yes, a job. I woke at an online art magazine part time. It can be found at www.thewallartmag.com. Infact, I was published this month. Worst piece of crap Ive ever written. just. WOW. Such shit. But hey, I plan to write here more often and Im hoping the practice will bring me back to where I was.
My baby passed away, my buzz. He was my dog. I grew up with him. I loved him. I feel the void he left behind every single time I walk in to the house. Id always yell out his name earlier, now I do it in my mind. I'd walk in yelling "BUZZ" or ask my maids, "buzzy kahan hai?" Now I just walk in with a sinking heart. Its a shit feeling. I want to write a post dedicated solely to him. I dont think Im ready yet. I feel like that would be it. I would have accepted it. I haven't yet. I still expect to hear the clattering of his much too long nails as he walked about the house. It's a terrible thing to lose something so dear, something you grew up with, nursed, taught, scolded, something that loved you no matter what, something that was always around, in the background, doing its own thing till you needed it. I lost that two months ago. Im not ready.
I started my masters too, in psychology. Its amazing. I genuinely really enjoy it. I find myself at sea quite often, but I feel like this is where Im supposed to be, or atleast, at any rate, supposed to be doing. Ive found my place. Its nice to want to come home and read something academic. Or just read really, I kinda lost that along the way somewhere in my 3 years of DU.
DU is still messing with me. It started with me not getting my results, then my professor refusing me internals and therefore finding myself with an ER. I hope that shall be sorted soon.
So this is where I stand right now, I have a job, I have a master degree I'm pursuing. What does that leave? My identity.
For the first time in a long time, I know who I am and where I stand with most people. I know who I want to be and how much further I have to go to be there. I spent so much time as a teenager wondering who I was, where I was going. I finally decided, there's no point. Life will take you where it wants, exercise the little control you have, beyond that, there's nothing you can do. Everything changes and things rarely go as planned. Just be prepared to be thrown out of your comfort zone, expect the unexpected and take it as it comes. Sometimes you'll find that you cant cope up. Take a deep breath, remember it could be worse and remember that you HAVE to cope up. Then, break down, cry, throw things and give up for a day. You'll find tomorrow's a lot easier if not better.
All this being said, any sane human being would see that I am exhausted. But it is a wonderful kind of productive exhaustion that I have missed. I'm not going to lie, some days juggling all this and attempting to have some semblance of a social life or trying to keep up with relationships does get the best of me and travelling 4 hours a day in a car or metro doesn't help in anyway and is a downright waste of time. Somedays I dont think I can do it anymore and I just want to crawl under a rock and sleep my life away. Other days I just want to give up and just let everything go.However, I still am happier all around than I think I could've been in any other situation.
Sure, there are some things I'd like to fix, may be a second shot. There are alot of things I'd redo a bit differently. For sure there are things Id like to change to be able to do and be everything I want to do and be. I'm still messy and disorganized, I'd still rather be sleeping and Im still always late.
All in all though, I'd like to say, Im content, even happy some days.
All in all though, Im getting there, Im fine.
Thank you for listening world.
I'll be back soon.
Goodnight.
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